Dear Nash

My darling son, Nash,

As I sit on the couch with you beside me snuggled into my arm, your little hand resting on my extended belly, I can't help but imagine the kind of big brother you will be. Your little hand presses harder as the new baby kicks it. The bond between oldest brother and new baby has been cemented.

With all the new changes that will arrive with the new baby, I wanted to tell you all the things that I will forever remember and hold dear. All the things that will not change because there will forever be a rose colored cloud around them.

One morning I heard stomping outside the front door, and I stopped picking up to listen. You were shaking yourself off before coming into the house. All the snow caked onto your boots, snow pants, coat, scarf, hat, and gloves was left outside. You came inside sweaty with a sniffling nose. My first thought was that nap time was going to be great for everyone. But when you unwrapped your scarf your radiant smile caught me. You couldn't wait to tell me that you shoveled the driveway by yourself. I was speechless, even more so when I looked outside. You had taken your little plastic shovel and had cleared the 2 inches of snow off the driveway. Your love to help, to do things that need to be done without being asked was driven home for me that day. My need to keep you little started warring with my need to have you be a big boy with chores.

The 12 weeks I took off from teaching to stay home with you after your birth was the best decision I could have made. We spent day after day just the two of us. I held you memorizing the lines of your nose and your little stubborn chin. We snuggled as I read western novels to you. Sometimes when I would look up from the book your dad would be there listening in. It was a peaceful, magical time that still held much uncertainty for me.

We read books about feeding, diapering, swaddling, baby's health, and even one about the proper way to shh. But you were our greatest test. We accomplished the cloth diapers. The first time I had my hands in the toilet I realized I could master the world for you. My grossometer doesn't exist anymore, whats a little poop or puke.

You were such a patient baby. We didn't know what we were doing, but you didn't get angry. I didn't know how to feed you, but you rarely fussed about it. You just had this undeniable trust in me, and it changed my whole world. Your sweetness enchanted us, and made us want to have more children.

You were chauffeured around in school vehicles meeting many different students, parents, families, and their livestock, which I'm forever thankful for your cooperation. You were held by my high school students; you were put face to face with pigs and cows; you rode a horse, and even played on the floor of the high school greenhouse, all for the sake of my career.

The nine months of constant sickness was little time at all in comparison to a life time of togetherness. It thrills me to see you be the leader of our small clan, your siblings. When you came out of the kitchen carrying a plate of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the afternoon snack, I was so proud. I was about ready to burst when you badgered your brother and sister into eating them with your reasons being that you did it all by yourself. You were meant to be our first born son.

I'm so lucky to be able to watch you grow up. Your every smile, every frown, every hug, every kiss, every story, every skip, I cherish.

I still watch you sleep and brush the hair from your forehead. I still pray to God everyday that He will protect you, especially your soft heart.

My greatest fear is that I'm not qualified for the job of being your mom. I'm afraid that I won't know if I've succeeded or failed until you are an adult.

Your family will always love and support you, my darling son, Nash.